Feel Sorry For Me.

It was beautifully sunny and warm today!
Not that I saw any of that.
I slept through my first class this morning,
and then my second,
and my third...
straight past 2pm and onto 4pm...
I slept all fucking day.

Not that this is anything different or new... but that doesn't keep me from feeling like a big failure when I don't hold up my end of the bargain in any category of my life.
My sleep schedule is the most unhealthy kind a human can have. I don't get to sleep at night, I don't get to sleep during the day... oh no- I get to switch every other day.
I get to work from 1am-7am, then get up at 12pm to attempt to keep my sleep schedule normalized to my school schedule, which is 9am to 4pm, 3 days a week.
Every other day it's overnights, every other day its school... with a night or two of evening shifts thrown in.

People have told me that working the overnights will drive me crazy... but I think its the constant yo-yoing of sleep. Two weeks straight getting in naps, 2-4 hours at a time... and then I crash... and I sleep for 18 hours- just like I did 2 days ago.
...or I sleep through 3 classes, a quiz, and a paper... like I did today.

I am so tired of waiting on people... and the thing is, my job isn't even hard. My job is really easy actually, and I work with great people, and for a great guy... and I get to write blogs at work. But I swear every time one of these overnight regulars come up and ask me for water-
I want to scream and ask them why the fuck they are here so late... "don't you have anything BETTER to do at 3am... why aren't you asleep?? I want to be sleeping!! YOU should WANT to be sleeping at 3am(!!!)"
I want to throw a glass at them, and watch them bleed to death in front of the counter...
But I smile...
And fill their water.
And give them cards.
And pens.
And Paper...
but rarely coffee.

And then there's my birthday... 11 days.
Which I hate, I've hated my birthday since I was 14.
Not to mention I decided when I was 21 that I was okay with staying 21... so I should stop aging... and also stop even thinking of my birthday as a fun, special day.
It's always been terrible... generally ending with me crying alone, in a closet, in Seattle.
In a fucking CLOSET!
...or maybe that was just last year.
So this year I put my foot down... I am going to make my birthday good all by myself!
I'm going to go to a Halloween Party, and have a sweet costume, and drink myself sick... and then the next day Im going to have a low key nice birthday...
But not so fast there little missy...
There is only one party going on this year...
and YOU can't go...
Supliez!
Not because I despise the person throwing it...
I don't... anymore.
Actually I don't think she's a raging beast of destruction and horribleness...anymore.
Unfortunately I kinda like her... (Damn.)
But it's a matter of respect, or principle... or not getting wasted and accidentally offending 1/2 the party goers... And then almost regretting it the day after...
which would be my birthday- and feeling almost guilty on your birthday is no good really.
So really self-preservation is the key here. Can't walk into the Lions Den and expect to not get clawed to shreds... am I right?

Maybe for my birthday I will go out and buy myself a Snuggie, curl up with an entire Cheese Cake, and use that day as one of my 18 hour days of sleep... only waking up to shovel cheese cake into my mouth... cry a little... and pass the fuck back out.